Why Ask Why

My how things have changed in my life over the last couple weeks. Many have heard my families plead for prayer on my behalf and I can honestly say I have never seen such a surge of prayer and love in my life. I have some amazing people in my life. Some amazing friends, some of which I don't see often enough and some that just know of me and my story. Many of you did not know what was going on, you just knew I was in need and as the Bible calls us to do, you prayed without ceasing. Just to fill in the details here is what happened. 

I was at work around 10pm Friday May 10th  when I hung up with a customer I was standing and suddenly I started feeling really strange so I sat down quickly. I didn't know if I was going to pass out or not but if I did, logic tells me it is best to do that from a lower position if possible. Once I sat down I realized that all my limbs were "asleep". Both arms and legs just tingled and I could not really move them. I was breathing fine and was not dizzy and completely coherent. A co-worker hooked me under the arms and lowered me to the floor to lay down. I was not sure what was going on but I thought that might help. They called 911 and before I knew it EMS were there and loading me up. They started an IV (that's an I and a V, not the roman numeral for four) in each arm and began test such as seeing if I could squeeze their fingers, follow lights with my eyes, move legs and arms and many others. Most of which I did not do very well. You all can imagine this feeling because you have felt it before if you have ever fell asleep on your arm and woke up to it tingling and you can't move it. Now imaging that all over your body. It was the weirdest thing I have ever felt. They initially thought I had a mini stroke but the doctors in the ER said that usually a mini stroke effected one side only and in my case it was both. Also I could move my legs intermittently. In fact, sometimes my arm would raise as though I had question and the only reason I knew it was up was because I was looking at it, not because I could feel it. 

I was taken up to a room from the ER and remained just like that all day Saturday until Sunday morning. I had a horrible headache which laughed at Tylenol and the pain was all I could focus on. I was concerned about the feeling not coming back in my arms and legs but I wanted the headache handled ASAP. The pain was unbearable. They could not do the MRI because I have a metal chain on that holds a "scoop" in my neck for my oxygen. It was not a big deal to take out but it was the weekend and the lab that put it in was not there and no one could make that call. So they had to postpone the MRI until Monday the 13th. They did agree to give me some pain meds and the headache went away. 

This brings us up to Sunday morning. My coordination was a little better and with help I could almost feed myself. My dad who had been there since Friday night was calling mom to tell her that I was doing a little better and the NA was getting me to a chair to sit up a while. I mostly walked myself but it was not the most graceful gate that I walked with. More like a late night stroll from the your college days. I was also given a tub with warm, soapy water and a wash cloth. I was doing no better washing myself than my wobbly walk to the chair. I remember I stopped trying to hold the wash cloth and put it back in the tub. This was my last memory. I had a really bad seizure and they called a code that sent an army of hospital staff to my room. They were trying to sedate me and apparently I was not cooperating. They however won and I was put out enough to go on a ventilator. The rest of my family came down and later that day I was responding to them. I don't remember anything from that day except for sitting in the chair before the seizure. 

The next thing I remember was waking up on Monday and all the tingling was gone. I felt weak but I could move my arms and legs just fine. However, I did not recognize the room and I was on the ventilator. I could not talk, swallow or cough. In the beginning I could not understand why I was even on this machine and what had happened. This is a very frustrating place to be. 

They did an MRI, Angiogram, EEG and lots of blood work over the next couple days. I was in ICU at this point and the staff there was second to none. I would say it is impossible to be comfortable on a ventilator but they made it as close as it could be. I have been around a lot of hospital staffs and most do not measure up to the staff there. 

I came off the ventilator on Tuesday and made leaps and bounds of improvement. I got a bath and shaved so I felt much better. I had bit my lip in the seizure so it was one big blood blister but other than that I was doing pretty well. Through the rest of the week I continued to get strength and coordination back. I was taken to a normal room Wednesday the 14th and was released Friday the 17th. I had gone from feeling ok to feeling nothing to on a ventilator to off the ventilator and back to feeling fine in 6 days and 20 hours.

I had visitors every day I was in the hospital. Some days I remember better than others. While I was on the vent I had to use a clipboard to communicate but I was so grateful that people were there. I had also heard that it was all over Facebook and that there were thousands of prayers going up for me. There were people that I met in the hospital that were amazing souls. One in particular that is so incredible that I am so thankful God crossed our paths. 

You know, people always say "things happen for a reason" and even I get tired of hearing that. Sometimes you just want to be angry with God and look up and say "Really? This now? Have I not been through enough?" Just think about this when God finds favor in you and you feel you have had enough. When they beat his son, was that not enough? When they spit on him and mocked him, was that not enough? When they drove nails through his hands and feet, was that not enough? When they stuck the spear into his side, was that not enough? It was enough when the job was finished and only then. 

I am not saying that we can only glorify God when we suffer. We should glorify Him in all our ways. Over the past 12 years this is what I have found to be the hardest to do. Do not get bitter and ruin the life you have wanting for the one that was never yours to begin with. If you fix your thoughts on what you don't have, what you can't do and what you never got to do then you will be miserable and you will miss all that you have, can do and will do.

I have constantly looked for other reasons for suffering in the Bible. It is loaded with them. It teaches us patience, perseverance, acceptance, gratitude, faith and hope. It purifies our heart and soul. Without our suffering we could not show compassion to others when they suffer. 

I also have been shown people worse off than me at some of my darkest hours and they were less miserable than I was. That was a humbling experience. He was a young man who wore a red bandanna every day. I was in Winston Salem just after my stem cell transplant. I could tell he had been through or was going through chemo at the time. His eyebrows were still gone but he was smiling all the time and always greeted me with a hello and some random comment. One night I was heating up some chicken noodle soup in the kitchen late at night and here Mr. Happy came in to ruin my pity party. I don't even remember what he said or if he even ate anything. I just remember he was happy and I was not. We had both been through similar treatments only this guy was already missing a leg. My grouchy ass had walked down there and he limped by on crutches. He opened my eyes to look at the positive things. I saw him many times before that night and never again after that night. That was the last conversation we had and though it was short and forgetful, the lesson I took from it is priceless. 

As of now we are not sure what happened to me that night or the following days in the hospital. I am currently still on medicine to prevent seizures. It is yet to be determined that I need to stay on that medicine or not. I would like to know what happened just to know if I can prevent it but I may never know. If that is the case I will just pile it up with all the other mystery in my life. I already see the reason for going through this. I saw family, friends and strangers come together in amazing ways out of love. I met some amazing and wonderful people and witnessed compassion beyond any I have ever seen. I felt peace overcome fear and anxiety, I felt strength in my faith. In a time that I could not feel my arms and legs I felt these things and I felt loved. 

Ten Years Later

May 28th is a day for me like 9-11. Just as 9-11 changed so many peoples lives, May 28th 2002 changed mine. That is the day I went to the doctor after feeling so weak and now nauseated. I had stopped going to the gym and that was normally a daily ritual for me. I was working, and going to school both full time and suddenly even that was too much. I could not stay awake if I sat for just a few minutes. I was transported to the hospital by ambulance because my blood count was so low they would not let me drive. Once there I was stuck with a needle every few minutes to take blood tests and getting a blood transfusion when they had all their tests ran. My family arrived once they got word and we waited on the results. I was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia or AML as it is most commonly called. For the next few months I would receive chemo therapy, full body radiation and then ultimately a stem cell transplant from my sister who was a perfect match. This was the beginning of a whole new life. All the things I saw in my future were in the air. A future at all was only a 60% chance.


Obviously I won and the cancer was put in remission after treatment. We hit it hard to have the best chance to win but with any war there are casualties. I have had lots of issues since then that are a direct result of the treatments I had and the medications I have to take. I have had 3 other deadly infections that have been in my lungs and each one left scar tissue until now I have about 24% lung function and have to stay on oxygen around the clock. I had cataract surgery, a hip replacement, I now have developed diabetes due to being on prednisone long term.  Daily tasks that used to come so easy are a big deal to me. I constantly deal with graph vs. host with dry eyes and mouth and other small annoyances that are simply just that, annoying.

I say that to say this, all of these storms I have been through has shown light to things I never would have slowed down to see. I have learned how to humble myself and ask for help, though I struggle with this. I have learned devastation by being told I may be dead soon. I have learned solitude in times that God felt so far away I could no longer feel Him and faith when I felt him so warmly and knew He never left. I have learned love from a family that never left my side. I learned heartache when I was denied a lung transplant. I learned peace in late night talks with God from a hospital bed. And I learned hope  in from the eyes of nurses and doctors. I learned patience in their  waiting rooms. I have learned perseverance by going to work and school while getting blood transfusions and treatments until graduation. I learned relativity not in physics but by not sweating the small stuff. This could go on forever. I have learned a life-time of lessons in ten years 


So today I have this life with all these issues to deal with on a daily basis. Honestly there are times I have wished God had just called me home ten years ago. I would only have lived 21 years but they would have been a great 21 years but what if that happened. If you met me in the last ten yours...I would never had known you. I would never had the chance to watch my niece and nephew growing up. I would not experienced any of the great things I have experienced or accomplished. I have realized that this life is for God and not for us. Your life may not match your idea of your  life. That's not to say you shouldn't plan but only that you need to jot those plans down in pencil and not in pen. I would always ask myself "why me"? and I would ask God "why I could not have just lived my life". The answer I keep getting is "You are". 

My Lesson from Aaron's Funeral

Today I left Greenville, SC and headed up to Canton, NC to go attend something that nobody looks forward to. I went to a funeral of a life long friend, cousin and brother in Christ. These are never a pleasure but when it is someone so young it seems like so much more of a tragedy. However, there are glorious things to see even there.

Many people from this small town knew Aaron and there are many opinions out there that are influenced by rumor and media but those more accurate would better be learned from those who really knew him. Those who grew up with him in the school hallways, the football field, the baseball field and the wrestling mats and also in the house of God. Those are the ones who will tell you who he was.

I grew up with him in these places and that is the memories I have of him. After high school I did not see much of him and especially after I moved to SC I saw him even less. But of course being from a small town means that you don't have to dig much to get any news about anyone at any given times. I heard what we all did but was never sure what was true and what was just words. What I know about him is before all of this, that he was a child of God and every time I saw him he smiled real big and hugged me and asked how I was doing and offered words of encouragement. He had a big heart and God was in it.

I got there today and first I saw that he was loved by more than most people in this world. I had heard that the number of people that came to visitation was huge and the funeral was nothing short of that. I saw old friends that grew up with him in those halls and on those fields. I saw a mother, a father, a sister and many other family members hearts breaking from the loss. I see all the familiar images of most any funeral but there was a personal message that I believe God wanted me to see to remind me of something I had not been living so much lately.

A lot of people know all that I have been through in the last several years since being diagnosed in 2002 with Leukemia. That was the first time I had dealt with something so overwhelming that I had to give it to God and the first time I really experience God on that level. Through the storms I too continued to praise God and remained hopeful but last year when I was denied a lung transplant, I became bitter and have since struggled. I just felt like, this was it. I was finally going to have this behind me. No more oxygen and I would get so much of my life back and could move on feeling free once again. So when that didn't happen initially I was crushed so then I began to feel forgotten. I stopped praying regularly, going to church regularly and feeling down. I had felt forgotten so I myself had began to forget until I saw this example today.

As the first song was played and the first chorus began the first hand in the air to praise God was Tim Mathews. Sitting only feet away from his sons body who he just lost days ago, he raised his hands in glory. Many people would be angry and the last thing they would do is praise a God that allowed this to happen. This put a huge lump in my throat. Karen and Tim Mathews stood before everyone and spoke how it is important to praise God in the bad times in life just as much as the good. But not only are they saying this, they are living it as well. It is so important to keep a focus on Christ. He is not a fair weather God and deserves praise always because he is with us always. When you feel he is further away than ever He is still right there and He never moved.

Maybe if they did the transplant last year I would be dead today. Maybe down the road there will be a better procedure that is much more successful. I don't know what is down the road for me or how long I will be here in this world and neither do any of us but I do know that one day there will be no more oxygen tanks for me. I will have a new body and I will see Aaron Mathews that same day.

The reason the world did not end on 5-21-11

Many of us heard that the world was going to end on 5-21-11 at 6PM EST. Then when it came and went we are all left to wonder why Jesus did not come for us. I mean, we were so sure right? Surely God would not stick to what the Bible says. That no man knows the hour of Jesus's return. But we are the smartest generation ever and we are in the time of knowledge right? Surely we would know when He is coming. Could it be that we were wrong? Well of course not. He really was coming and this is what happened.


The day started and God woke Jesus up so he could get ready for the big trip to bring back all of his children. Well it turns out that there was a lot to do. The Golden Chariot had not been driven in so long that when Jesus was going over it he realized that there was a lot of work to do just do get it ready for the big trip. The oil and filter needed to be changed because obviously 2000 year old Quaker State was nothing but solid sludge. Ok no big deal, He could simply lay hands on engine and it would get a full tune up and purr like a kitten once again. Then he decided to check the tire pressure only to find that the tires had weather rot and were simply too bad to chance carrying His precious children. So He logged into tirerack.com to place a special order. Yes I said special order. How many people do you know that have a golden chariot? Thats what I thought. He noticed that they were on backorder so he spoke to the computer and demanded they be shipped immediately with one minute shipping and they were and it was good. So it seemed that it was finally ready but he noticed that the plates had expired and he had to go pay the taxes and get it registered again. Here is where He really got delayed. He has overcome engine trouble, tire trouble, order and shipping trouble but now he was gonna have to wait on the government. Since it was the weekend the offices were closed. He is going to go first thing Monday morning but there is no telling how long he will be at the DMV. 
I wanted all of you that was sure He was coming on the 21st to know this story. You obviously don't listen to what the Bible says so here is a story you can better relate to.  

The Big Three-Oh!

I have been dreading this day for a while now. I really did not want to turn 30. Unfortunately the only way to NOT turn 30 is not a very desirable alternative. Very few people above 21 really want to get any older, so in that manner I am no different. Lately I have been reflecting on what turning thirty means to me and I was surprised to learn that maybe I am much cooler with this than I thought I was.
I mostly break down my life so far to before and after cancer. I was 21 when I was diagnosed and before then I focused on the plans I had for my life and what I needed to get done to achieve my dreams. These were not all that crazy and as a matter of fact, most of my peers have done the very things I wanted to do throughout their twenties which is simply go to school (or not) start a career, get married and start a family. These are the "normal" things to do. I did not aspire to be an actor or the president of the United States although I think I could do a better job than the current  politicians that flood Washington. My point is that I did not want anything unreasonable. For that reason why not believe things will go just like that?
Here's why, MY PLANS do not matter. This is one of the things I did learn in my twenties. We are all here to follow Gods plan, not our own. Now, if yours just happen to fit in with Gods then they will happen too. Before my twenties I was set on my plans and these days I still plan but they are subject to change and that was a hard lesson for me to learn. I feel a huge void in my life because I do not have the things I wanted by the age of thirty and I have also learned that these things may not be a part of my life ever. Sometimes the answer to a prayer is "not yet" and sometimes it is "no" and now I understand that and have accepted it. I have learned and experienced so much in my twenties. The God that I have learned about growing up, I got to experience His peace, His love and have grown closer to Him. I see beauty in things that I could never see before. I don't worry about petty things and I cherish the things I have more than ever. I learned pain, suffering, salvation, sorrow, peace and many things in the last few years. Many of these would never have happened if my plans had taken place. Do I feel bitter? I feel that way all the time but then is when I think about Philippians 4:8-9...8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. I even have that verse on my wall in my bedroom to remind me of this daily.
So I say goodbye to my twenties as a bittersweet time. I fought for my life in you. My heart was broken in you. I finished college in you and started a career. I grew closer to God in you. Though I may be covered in battle scars and pitted in rust from you, I have defeated you and am glad to put you behind me.
Hello thirties, I sure hope you are much smoother and maybe you will fill that void I have with something. Who knows what it will be but one thing is for sure, it will be of His plan and not of mine.

Eight years ago I became a woman...kinda.

 ·         Thursday, August 29, 2002

            Today they had Margie in the clinic bright and early at 7:30 AM to get started. First they put in the central line in her leg to do the harvesting with. They reassured me as well as the rest of my family that she would be well medicated and wouldn’t remember a thing. I know she was scared to death. Meanwhile I was in my fifth session of radiation, but all I had my mind on was how she was doing. After I came back to the room, Dr. Molnar came to see me and fill me in on Margie’s status. I will say that he was pretty considerate and kept me informed throughout the rest of the morning. Some of my family stayed with me, and the others were with Margie. I believe she needed them more than me at this point. The stem cells they got today were of good quality and looked very good, however, they had lumps in them and would have to be filtered. During this they will loose some and would need to harvest again tomorrow. Therefore, Margie’s worst nightmare came true. She had to stay in the hospital over night.

 ·         Friday, August 30, 2002

            This is a day that is etched into my memory forever just like September 11^th 2001. This is the day my sister saved my life. Today she went through her second day of harvesting and I had radiation for the last time and they actual transplant took place in the late after noon hours. I got two units of cells. It really just looked like two bags of cambells tomato soup. At this point I had not seen my sister since Wednesday night. She had been so drugged and worn out that she was unable to come see me. I had talked to her over the phone a few times though. While the transplant was going on she had been taken back to the hotel to rest, not to mention, she had a very sore leg where the line had been put in. At this point she was all done and in a few days she would be good as new. I wish I could say the same for me, but what’s a few months when compared to the rest of your life.

How "hip" can I get?

Okay, so the title is corny...so am I. Here are the details of what has been going on for the last few weeks. For about a year and a half or two years I have gotten this sharp pain in my right hip every now and then that would hurt for a few days and go away only to return months later. In the last six months it has been doing this more and more until about three weeks ago it got worse and was not going away. It would hurt when I walked and made movements in certain directions. Then over fathers day weekend it got REALLY bad and by Monday it was hard to do any walking. I had them x ray this when I went to Winston Salem for my bi-annual checkup there. The radiologist said it looked like a condition called avascular necrosis of the hip. He said that I needed to get this looked at by an orthopedic doctor. I made an appointment for Thursday and they confirmed that this was avascular necrosis. They could see it in their x ray but also did an MRI to get a better picture.
Avascular necrosis of the hip is when the ball in the hip joint is not getting sufficient blood flow and the bone collapses over time. This is common in two groups of people, those that had a traumatic hip injury years ago and as a result do not have good blood flow there and those like me that have been on a steroid treatment for a long time. This ball has been breaking down a while and it has a layer of cartilage over it that has been making it manageable for me but most likely I have recently torn that now and this is why it has suddenly gotten worse.
The cure for this is a total hip replacement. Until that is done you can manage the pain with pain killers and get around with a cane, crutches, walker or in worse cases a scooter. I do not like any of these since I already have to tote oxygen with me. Hip replacement does not sound like a walk in the park but I wont be calling the scooter store anytime soon. However, if I did go that route, mine would have a V-Twin engine and be black with orange ghost flames. Hey, a young man in a scooter HAS to have fun somehow.
Anyway, this is something that is also in my left hip but is not near as far advanced and right now is no need to worry about. My surgery will be next Thursday July 8th so lets hope and pray for a speedy and successful recovery.