Why Ask Why

My how things have changed in my life over the last couple weeks. Many have heard my families plead for prayer on my behalf and I can honestly say I have never seen such a surge of prayer and love in my life. I have some amazing people in my life. Some amazing friends, some of which I don't see often enough and some that just know of me and my story. Many of you did not know what was going on, you just knew I was in need and as the Bible calls us to do, you prayed without ceasing. Just to fill in the details here is what happened. 

I was at work around 10pm Friday May 10th  when I hung up with a customer I was standing and suddenly I started feeling really strange so I sat down quickly. I didn't know if I was going to pass out or not but if I did, logic tells me it is best to do that from a lower position if possible. Once I sat down I realized that all my limbs were "asleep". Both arms and legs just tingled and I could not really move them. I was breathing fine and was not dizzy and completely coherent. A co-worker hooked me under the arms and lowered me to the floor to lay down. I was not sure what was going on but I thought that might help. They called 911 and before I knew it EMS were there and loading me up. They started an IV (that's an I and a V, not the roman numeral for four) in each arm and began test such as seeing if I could squeeze their fingers, follow lights with my eyes, move legs and arms and many others. Most of which I did not do very well. You all can imagine this feeling because you have felt it before if you have ever fell asleep on your arm and woke up to it tingling and you can't move it. Now imaging that all over your body. It was the weirdest thing I have ever felt. They initially thought I had a mini stroke but the doctors in the ER said that usually a mini stroke effected one side only and in my case it was both. Also I could move my legs intermittently. In fact, sometimes my arm would raise as though I had question and the only reason I knew it was up was because I was looking at it, not because I could feel it. 

I was taken up to a room from the ER and remained just like that all day Saturday until Sunday morning. I had a horrible headache which laughed at Tylenol and the pain was all I could focus on. I was concerned about the feeling not coming back in my arms and legs but I wanted the headache handled ASAP. The pain was unbearable. They could not do the MRI because I have a metal chain on that holds a "scoop" in my neck for my oxygen. It was not a big deal to take out but it was the weekend and the lab that put it in was not there and no one could make that call. So they had to postpone the MRI until Monday the 13th. They did agree to give me some pain meds and the headache went away. 

This brings us up to Sunday morning. My coordination was a little better and with help I could almost feed myself. My dad who had been there since Friday night was calling mom to tell her that I was doing a little better and the NA was getting me to a chair to sit up a while. I mostly walked myself but it was not the most graceful gate that I walked with. More like a late night stroll from the your college days. I was also given a tub with warm, soapy water and a wash cloth. I was doing no better washing myself than my wobbly walk to the chair. I remember I stopped trying to hold the wash cloth and put it back in the tub. This was my last memory. I had a really bad seizure and they called a code that sent an army of hospital staff to my room. They were trying to sedate me and apparently I was not cooperating. They however won and I was put out enough to go on a ventilator. The rest of my family came down and later that day I was responding to them. I don't remember anything from that day except for sitting in the chair before the seizure. 

The next thing I remember was waking up on Monday and all the tingling was gone. I felt weak but I could move my arms and legs just fine. However, I did not recognize the room and I was on the ventilator. I could not talk, swallow or cough. In the beginning I could not understand why I was even on this machine and what had happened. This is a very frustrating place to be. 

They did an MRI, Angiogram, EEG and lots of blood work over the next couple days. I was in ICU at this point and the staff there was second to none. I would say it is impossible to be comfortable on a ventilator but they made it as close as it could be. I have been around a lot of hospital staffs and most do not measure up to the staff there. 

I came off the ventilator on Tuesday and made leaps and bounds of improvement. I got a bath and shaved so I felt much better. I had bit my lip in the seizure so it was one big blood blister but other than that I was doing pretty well. Through the rest of the week I continued to get strength and coordination back. I was taken to a normal room Wednesday the 14th and was released Friday the 17th. I had gone from feeling ok to feeling nothing to on a ventilator to off the ventilator and back to feeling fine in 6 days and 20 hours.

I had visitors every day I was in the hospital. Some days I remember better than others. While I was on the vent I had to use a clipboard to communicate but I was so grateful that people were there. I had also heard that it was all over Facebook and that there were thousands of prayers going up for me. There were people that I met in the hospital that were amazing souls. One in particular that is so incredible that I am so thankful God crossed our paths. 

You know, people always say "things happen for a reason" and even I get tired of hearing that. Sometimes you just want to be angry with God and look up and say "Really? This now? Have I not been through enough?" Just think about this when God finds favor in you and you feel you have had enough. When they beat his son, was that not enough? When they spit on him and mocked him, was that not enough? When they drove nails through his hands and feet, was that not enough? When they stuck the spear into his side, was that not enough? It was enough when the job was finished and only then. 

I am not saying that we can only glorify God when we suffer. We should glorify Him in all our ways. Over the past 12 years this is what I have found to be the hardest to do. Do not get bitter and ruin the life you have wanting for the one that was never yours to begin with. If you fix your thoughts on what you don't have, what you can't do and what you never got to do then you will be miserable and you will miss all that you have, can do and will do.

I have constantly looked for other reasons for suffering in the Bible. It is loaded with them. It teaches us patience, perseverance, acceptance, gratitude, faith and hope. It purifies our heart and soul. Without our suffering we could not show compassion to others when they suffer. 

I also have been shown people worse off than me at some of my darkest hours and they were less miserable than I was. That was a humbling experience. He was a young man who wore a red bandanna every day. I was in Winston Salem just after my stem cell transplant. I could tell he had been through or was going through chemo at the time. His eyebrows were still gone but he was smiling all the time and always greeted me with a hello and some random comment. One night I was heating up some chicken noodle soup in the kitchen late at night and here Mr. Happy came in to ruin my pity party. I don't even remember what he said or if he even ate anything. I just remember he was happy and I was not. We had both been through similar treatments only this guy was already missing a leg. My grouchy ass had walked down there and he limped by on crutches. He opened my eyes to look at the positive things. I saw him many times before that night and never again after that night. That was the last conversation we had and though it was short and forgetful, the lesson I took from it is priceless. 

As of now we are not sure what happened to me that night or the following days in the hospital. I am currently still on medicine to prevent seizures. It is yet to be determined that I need to stay on that medicine or not. I would like to know what happened just to know if I can prevent it but I may never know. If that is the case I will just pile it up with all the other mystery in my life. I already see the reason for going through this. I saw family, friends and strangers come together in amazing ways out of love. I met some amazing and wonderful people and witnessed compassion beyond any I have ever seen. I felt peace overcome fear and anxiety, I felt strength in my faith. In a time that I could not feel my arms and legs I felt these things and I felt loved.