Friday I got a call around 1:00 from the Cleveland Clinic. It was one of their coordinators checking to make sure the information they had was correct and get a little more information from me about my history. He said that if the answer was no, then I would know something within a week and if they were gonna consider this, then I would receive a packet in the mail in two to three weeks. At 8:21 that night my phone rang and it was an strange number just like the other call but I thought "no, they would not know yet. He must have just forgot to ask something" and then I answered and sure enough it was Chris from Cleveland. He told be that he knew it was late but he promised me that he would let me know as soon as he heard something. He said that the doctors had reviewed my case and felt that this would be too much for me to recover from and that they did not think I would make it off the respirator. This meant that they did not want to take this on and that like Duke, it was too risky. So now two very successful and well know transplant centers say that it is too risky. Even if another one calls and says yes, that they would do this, I doubt I will go. I think God slamming these doors in my face is speaking loud enough. I GET IT! I HEARD YA!
I think this is the time to react. I will still dream of getting off this "anchor of life" and being free to go without having to consider "what am I going to do for oxygen" but I don't expect it. I see that this is not in the cards for me because it does not seem to be Gods plan for this life. So far His plan and my plan have been totally opposite. Mine was to finish school and move on to all those other common places "normal" people find themselves in life. Finding that someone, getting married, starting a family and finding that balance in being there for their family all while accelerating into a successful career. Sounds pretty ordinary right? Maybe a little boring to some? If you have these things, you should thank God everyday that He has put those people and things in your life. I can assure you that the common things are the most precious and we all take them for granted.
I remember the first long stay I had in the hospital was 35 days and I could see people driving past the hospital and others walking in the sun and what I wouldn't give to do either of those. I was not allowed to go outside and breath that hot July air. People that came to see me would say how great it felt in that hospital and how hot it was outside. I was always just thinking how luck they were to go out in that hot sun.
My point is that the hopes of the transplant is not going to happen. I will now reflect of what I CAN do. If I focus on what I can't do and the things that I have missed out on, I would only get depressed and angry with God once again. Sister Hazel has a song called Change Your Mind that talks about how changing your perspective can totally change who you are. Your outlook on everything and even your whole personalty. This is what I plan to do. I am on oxygen and that is not changing anytime soon, if ever. I AM NOT DEAD and if I act like I am then I might as well be dead. I have a life to live and I intend on doing just that. Just because you have a pulse doesn't mean you are alive. I plan to focus on the I CAN's and saving nothing for latter in life. I don't know how many latter's I will have and none of us do for that matter. I will continue to exercise through the pulmonary rehab program and then on my own after that. I will pray for a miracle from God every day. Hey...he's done it before and I will continue to thank him for the blessings he has given me and not on what he has taken away. Besides this is only the opening act for what is to come. I can accept that this is a part of me now. I think I should be able to learn this if Presley has. She is my 16.5 month old niece and even she knows that that oxygen tube belongs to uncle Mitchell and she picks it up to bring it to me. Now if I can just accept it that well everything will be just fine.
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